Does it mean anything positive that after nearly five months, i still feel terrible for losing you and for the way i handled things/our relationship? im not crazy, i am human. i want to say so much, but i get stymied by the fact that i am talking to a glass wall.
if you want to know, than come back tomorrow, ill have somethign to say.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
fine
do you remember when we met? i wanted to get to know you so badly that i forced myself to go to a bar i never thought id have to suffer. thats how much i wanted to be near you. sometimes, i would wander by, looking inside asylum to see if you were there, or i would intentionally tell jesse or someone else to meet me at the grill so that iw ould have an excuse to go past the bar. i remember thinking how beautiful youwere and wanting to look in your big brown eyes. ive re-read some of the myspace blog posts i wrote when we first started hanging out, and it reminded me of how excited i was to have met you and how much i wanted you in my life. i hadnt felt that way in a really long time.
i know that our relationship was rocky from early on. there were lots of factors that i never even bothered to stop and think about, or i was too wrapped up in my own shit to give much thought. but there were things about the way we got on that i like a lot. i liked that we spent a lot of time together, and maybe it was too much too soon, but i remember thinking how shitty i felt when i went home and slept in a bed without you. i remember the couple of times you left town how much i missed you and wanted you there with me. and it was nice having schedules that afforded us the ability to spend time together, sleep on the same schedules etc. but i am not naive and i know that those things arent what makes a relationship good, or what a good relationship is founded on.
i have had a lot of time and a good amount of therapy over the last several months. i have a much different and more realistic perspective on what happened between you and i. i also have a grevious amount of shame and sadness as well. while i think about you and about our relationship often, it is in a very different way. i wish that i could talk to you and tell you about the ways in which my mind and the way that i deal with things have changed, but every time i sit down to write something about it, i get bogged down by how horribly we communicated, and it seems like my brain shuts off. ive wanted to write you long letters here hoping that you would read them and come to some kind of understanding, but each time i do, i ask myself a couple of things. first, i wonder where the fuck i would even start. there are quite a few issues that would require covering, and loads of explanation and back story that would only serve to alienate and or bore you. the second thing i ask myself is " why would she even want to know or care?" this is where the crux of my biggest frustration lies. maybe you dont care and you j ust come here to read this because you are curious about what i have to say. maybe it is a spectacle to you or somethig for you to find humor in. if thats the case, i dont know what to say. im willing to make myself vulnerable and open myself up to being ridiculed or humiliated or mocked because at this point, i dont care and i have absolutely nothing to lose. or maybe you come here because part of you still cares. if thats the case, i will continue to reach out and hope that whatever scrap that still remains is enough for you to be able to forgive me. thats the most important thing to me. more than missing you, more than wishing i could see your face, i want you to forgive me. i miss your friendship more than just about anything, and it hurts to think that there are times when we are within the same square mile, and i cant speak to you.
my time at the library is up, but i intend to write more tomorrow or the next day. maybe you will have it in your heart to come back. maybe some day i will find the right words to express myself in a way that reaches you. i know that i should be over you by now, and in an intellectual way, i am. i can rationalize not being with you. i can understand the logic and reasons why. but my heart still feels lost and sad and jumbled up.
do you remember when we met? i wanted to get to know you so badly that i forced myself to go to a bar i never thought id have to suffer. thats how much i wanted to be near you. sometimes, i would wander by, looking inside asylum to see if you were there, or i would intentionally tell jesse or someone else to meet me at the grill so that iw ould have an excuse to go past the bar. i remember thinking how beautiful youwere and wanting to look in your big brown eyes. ive re-read some of the myspace blog posts i wrote when we first started hanging out, and it reminded me of how excited i was to have met you and how much i wanted you in my life. i hadnt felt that way in a really long time.
i know that our relationship was rocky from early on. there were lots of factors that i never even bothered to stop and think about, or i was too wrapped up in my own shit to give much thought. but there were things about the way we got on that i like a lot. i liked that we spent a lot of time together, and maybe it was too much too soon, but i remember thinking how shitty i felt when i went home and slept in a bed without you. i remember the couple of times you left town how much i missed you and wanted you there with me. and it was nice having schedules that afforded us the ability to spend time together, sleep on the same schedules etc. but i am not naive and i know that those things arent what makes a relationship good, or what a good relationship is founded on.
i have had a lot of time and a good amount of therapy over the last several months. i have a much different and more realistic perspective on what happened between you and i. i also have a grevious amount of shame and sadness as well. while i think about you and about our relationship often, it is in a very different way. i wish that i could talk to you and tell you about the ways in which my mind and the way that i deal with things have changed, but every time i sit down to write something about it, i get bogged down by how horribly we communicated, and it seems like my brain shuts off. ive wanted to write you long letters here hoping that you would read them and come to some kind of understanding, but each time i do, i ask myself a couple of things. first, i wonder where the fuck i would even start. there are quite a few issues that would require covering, and loads of explanation and back story that would only serve to alienate and or bore you. the second thing i ask myself is " why would she even want to know or care?" this is where the crux of my biggest frustration lies. maybe you dont care and you j ust come here to read this because you are curious about what i have to say. maybe it is a spectacle to you or somethig for you to find humor in. if thats the case, i dont know what to say. im willing to make myself vulnerable and open myself up to being ridiculed or humiliated or mocked because at this point, i dont care and i have absolutely nothing to lose. or maybe you come here because part of you still cares. if thats the case, i will continue to reach out and hope that whatever scrap that still remains is enough for you to be able to forgive me. thats the most important thing to me. more than missing you, more than wishing i could see your face, i want you to forgive me. i miss your friendship more than just about anything, and it hurts to think that there are times when we are within the same square mile, and i cant speak to you.
my time at the library is up, but i intend to write more tomorrow or the next day. maybe you will have it in your heart to come back. maybe some day i will find the right words to express myself in a way that reaches you. i know that i should be over you by now, and in an intellectual way, i am. i can rationalize not being with you. i can understand the logic and reasons why. but my heart still feels lost and sad and jumbled up.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Okay.
This is getting foolish and silly. I still think about her, and I know she still thinks about me, only I cant say for certain in what way. I do know she reads this blog. I am 100 percent certain. Yet, despite my pathetic pleas for some kind of conversation, some kind of contact, she wont respond.
I have been thinking about her a lot still which I thought was going to go away, but for some odd reason, it wont.
Look, this is directed at you. Yes, you. YOu know who you are. You check this blog almost daily. Almost always at the same time even. You come here to see what I have to say about you or about my silly life or about something. You want to know. I want to tell you. My life has improved in so many ways, and if you would take the time to listen, I could tell you. But you are strong willed, stubborn and indignant. I wish I could sit down with you and tell you why things happened the way they did. If you would let me, I would be honest and open with you. I could let you in.
I spent the day waling along the beach today, unaware until i paid close attention that if i look across the bay, i can see things from the opposite perspective of the way i was looking at them before i moved to this part. i can see the park we walked along when we were first here. god, i would love to tell you how my life has changed in so many ways. i still wish that we could be sharing this adventure, and while i know that the reason why we cant rests squarely with me, if you would take the time to get to know the real me, the person i am and not the person i became in the last year, you would understand a lot.
im begging you. talk to me. under safe and legal circumstances. my only hope and desire is to talk to you. im not bitter, angry or frustrated. i miss you. still.
if you wont talk to me or communicate with me, will you please stop coming here? its a free country and you can do what you please, but it kills me to know that i am still on your mind in some way, but you wont tell me how or why.
please. i
This is getting foolish and silly. I still think about her, and I know she still thinks about me, only I cant say for certain in what way. I do know she reads this blog. I am 100 percent certain. Yet, despite my pathetic pleas for some kind of conversation, some kind of contact, she wont respond.
I have been thinking about her a lot still which I thought was going to go away, but for some odd reason, it wont.
Look, this is directed at you. Yes, you. YOu know who you are. You check this blog almost daily. Almost always at the same time even. You come here to see what I have to say about you or about my silly life or about something. You want to know. I want to tell you. My life has improved in so many ways, and if you would take the time to listen, I could tell you. But you are strong willed, stubborn and indignant. I wish I could sit down with you and tell you why things happened the way they did. If you would let me, I would be honest and open with you. I could let you in.
I spent the day waling along the beach today, unaware until i paid close attention that if i look across the bay, i can see things from the opposite perspective of the way i was looking at them before i moved to this part. i can see the park we walked along when we were first here. god, i would love to tell you how my life has changed in so many ways. i still wish that we could be sharing this adventure, and while i know that the reason why we cant rests squarely with me, if you would take the time to get to know the real me, the person i am and not the person i became in the last year, you would understand a lot.
im begging you. talk to me. under safe and legal circumstances. my only hope and desire is to talk to you. im not bitter, angry or frustrated. i miss you. still.
if you wont talk to me or communicate with me, will you please stop coming here? its a free country and you can do what you please, but it kills me to know that i am still on your mind in some way, but you wont tell me how or why.
please. i
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
