Not a day goes by that I dont think of her. I could ruminate and ponder for days, I could write volumes about my feelings for her, but it can all be boiled down or reduced to the simple fact that I still miss her.
I dont have much else to say, I suppose. Someday, I will look back on these posts and wonder why I didnt say more. Or; Ill read them and know exactly what I was thinking.
For you, monkey I would suffer for ages. If you only knew the things Ive been through and the ways Ive changed.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
13
two friday the thirteenths in two months. what are the chances? so far, this one hasnt been nearly as bad as last months, but there is still plenty of time, its only 2 in the afternoon.
its hard to believe its been nearly three months since we broke up. so many things have happened for better and worse in that span of time, but it only seems like a few days ago that we hugged goodbye for the last time. i still think about her often, wonder what she is doing etc. i have moments where i want just to call her or email her and say hello just to find out how she is doing. i know that she doesnt think it, but i do care for her deeply, even still, after all this shit. i think of us on the first few days we were here, the excitement and the sense of wonder and adventure, and i wish that i could have held on to that somehow.
my writing lately has been rushed and a little forced, and not altogether me. it feels like every time i sit down to a computer, the phone rings, the library closes etc. i get distracted easily.
anyhow, more than a month has passed since the whole order of protection thing, and i hope that by now she can see that i never intended to hurt or scare or intimdate her. i was just reeling and frightened and wanting to try anything to salvage our relationship. does she really hate me that much? when i think about the facts, it seems like the answer is yes, but i suppose i dont really want to accept that. i have this recurring daydream that she eventually quashes the order of protection, and we sit down for a nice, calm, long conversation to clear the air. i know that will never happen, but it crosses my mind sometimes.
im boring myself with all of this repetitive shit about her and us. its been almost three months for chrissakes.
anyhow......
its hard to believe its been nearly three months since we broke up. so many things have happened for better and worse in that span of time, but it only seems like a few days ago that we hugged goodbye for the last time. i still think about her often, wonder what she is doing etc. i have moments where i want just to call her or email her and say hello just to find out how she is doing. i know that she doesnt think it, but i do care for her deeply, even still, after all this shit. i think of us on the first few days we were here, the excitement and the sense of wonder and adventure, and i wish that i could have held on to that somehow.
my writing lately has been rushed and a little forced, and not altogether me. it feels like every time i sit down to a computer, the phone rings, the library closes etc. i get distracted easily.
anyhow, more than a month has passed since the whole order of protection thing, and i hope that by now she can see that i never intended to hurt or scare or intimdate her. i was just reeling and frightened and wanting to try anything to salvage our relationship. does she really hate me that much? when i think about the facts, it seems like the answer is yes, but i suppose i dont really want to accept that. i have this recurring daydream that she eventually quashes the order of protection, and we sit down for a nice, calm, long conversation to clear the air. i know that will never happen, but it crosses my mind sometimes.
im boring myself with all of this repetitive shit about her and us. its been almost three months for chrissakes.
anyhow......
Monday, March 9, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
The More I Think About Yesterday
....the more it bugs me. It feels so weird that we moved to this city together and then the first time I run into her in over a month, I have to run away. I wish I could talk to her, ask her how she is, be cordial and kind. I miss her.
Fuck, this feels so wrong and stupid. It feels so not right when I picture the look on her face, that look of anger mixed with impatience and dread. How could I have let it come to this? Why is there no such thing as a time machine?
Fuck fuck fuck
SAY SOMETHING!
Fuck, this feels so wrong and stupid. It feels so not right when I picture the look on her face, that look of anger mixed with impatience and dread. How could I have let it come to this? Why is there no such thing as a time machine?
Fuck fuck fuck
SAY SOMETHING!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Watch where yer goin ya dummy!
I cant believe the things that have happened to me the last week when I havent been paying attention to what I was doing. First, there was the walking in to the beam at work and knocking myself out. Then this today?
I wish the circumstances of me seeing her for the first time in forever had been different. I hadnt seen that angry look on her face in some time. But there she was, tapping her foot and looking mad. I guess she hates me if the look on her face is any indication of how she feels. Anyhow.....oops. I felt stupid, fleeing like a startled bird, but I guess that there was no other appropriate response.
Im excited about staying in Ballard, but clearly will have to rethink how or when I get to work. I suppose taking the bus a half hour earlier is an easy enough solution to the problem.
Man, I wish I hadnt seen her, just made me miss her. Makes me feel like a foolish dolt to miss someone who has nothing but spite and hate in her heart for me. I wish it was easier to forget her.
I wish the circumstances of me seeing her for the first time in forever had been different. I hadnt seen that angry look on her face in some time. But there she was, tapping her foot and looking mad. I guess she hates me if the look on her face is any indication of how she feels. Anyhow.....oops. I felt stupid, fleeing like a startled bird, but I guess that there was no other appropriate response.
Im excited about staying in Ballard, but clearly will have to rethink how or when I get to work. I suppose taking the bus a half hour earlier is an easy enough solution to the problem.
Man, I wish I hadnt seen her, just made me miss her. Makes me feel like a foolish dolt to miss someone who has nothing but spite and hate in her heart for me. I wish it was easier to forget her.
Monday, March 2, 2009
i will spit until i learn to speak again
things dissolve and drain away. sometimes. sometimes they come surging back like a river reversed.
i held on to that lighter for as long as i could. silly of me. i wanted one little thing to remind me of her. i can still see her fingers, slightly sloppily painted nails, wrapped around it while she lit the last cigarette we ever smoked together. it reminded me of the polish or czech lighter ( i cant remeber which) that just kept lighting, and how we laughed about it every time. if only our relationship had had that kind of staying power.
every old thing and every new thing i try to fill the void with just leads me back to thoughts of her. i dont really want to be with someone new, the times i am with new people feels awkward and stilted and false.
maybe only til its the right time?
i held on to that lighter for as long as i could. silly of me. i wanted one little thing to remind me of her. i can still see her fingers, slightly sloppily painted nails, wrapped around it while she lit the last cigarette we ever smoked together. it reminded me of the polish or czech lighter ( i cant remeber which) that just kept lighting, and how we laughed about it every time. if only our relationship had had that kind of staying power.
every old thing and every new thing i try to fill the void with just leads me back to thoughts of her. i dont really want to be with someone new, the times i am with new people feels awkward and stilted and false.
maybe only til its the right time?
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