things dissolve and drain away. sometimes. sometimes they come surging back like a river reversed.
i held on to that lighter for as long as i could. silly of me. i wanted one little thing to remind me of her. i can still see her fingers, slightly sloppily painted nails, wrapped around it while she lit the last cigarette we ever smoked together. it reminded me of the polish or czech lighter ( i cant remeber which) that just kept lighting, and how we laughed about it every time. if only our relationship had had that kind of staying power.
every old thing and every new thing i try to fill the void with just leads me back to thoughts of her. i dont really want to be with someone new, the times i am with new people feels awkward and stilted and false.
maybe only til its the right time?
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