13

two friday the thirteenths in two months. what are the chances? so far, this one hasnt been nearly as bad as last months, but there is still plenty of time, its only 2 in the afternoon.

its hard to believe its been nearly three months since we broke up. so many things have happened for better and worse in that span of time, but it only seems like a few days ago that we hugged goodbye for the last time. i still think about her often, wonder what she is doing etc. i have moments where i want just to call her or email her and say hello just to find out how she is doing. i know that she doesnt think it, but i do care for her deeply, even still, after all this shit. i think of us on the first few days we were here, the excitement and the sense of wonder and adventure, and i wish that i could have held on to that somehow.

my writing lately has been rushed and a little forced, and not altogether me. it feels like every time i sit down to a computer, the phone rings, the library closes etc. i get distracted easily.

anyhow, more than a month has passed since the whole order of protection thing, and i hope that by now she can see that i never intended to hurt or scare or intimdate her. i was just reeling and frightened and wanting to try anything to salvage our relationship. does she really hate me that much? when i think about the facts, it seems like the answer is yes, but i suppose i dont really want to accept that. i have this recurring daydream that she eventually quashes the order of protection, and we sit down for a nice, calm, long conversation to clear the air. i know that will never happen, but it crosses my mind sometimes.

im boring myself with all of this repetitive shit about her and us. its been almost three months for chrissakes.
anyhow......