Chump

Nothing can make you feel more like a chump than putting yourself on the line, exposing your weaknesses, innermost thoughts and emotions and then being denied. I dont know why I was so naive in thinking a little time would make things better, but I did. I hoped that she would see me not as an enemy, but as someone who was struggling and lost. How silly of me.

I am not an idiot, but I am a fool. Im a fool for selling everything I owned, for moving to a city with a woman I was in a tenuous realtionship with, and foolish for letting things get out of hand the way they did when I was unhappy. I am foolish for pursuing a far too broken love with a woman who likely never loved me to begin with. I am foolish for pushing her away with my actions than desperately trying to get her back when it finally came to a head. Im foolish to believe that I meant anything to her, even with my foibles and shortcomings and bad behavior. Im foolish to expose myself in this forum thinking that being emotionally honest and truly repentant would somehow make a difference.

At this point, Im sure she thinks Im a lunatic. I guess it doesnt matter what she thinks anymore. Im still deeply sorry for losing myself and for losing control and for pushing her to the brink. But how can I carry on having feelings like I do when they will probably be used against me or be seen as somehow a sign that I am not right.

You can read this every day, morning evening and night. Ill never say a cross word about her. I just wish that there had been better communication between us and a little bit of forgiveness and understanding. Life goes on. Someplace else.