[somewhere i have never travelled]
somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously) her first rose
or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing
(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain, has such small hands

i wish i had never torn up that post card, or even gone to her house that night for any matter. no. let me take this a step or two further. i wish i had never left that day on a plane for tucson. i wish i had asked her to give it a day or two, but i pushed the envelope over the edge. i wish i had come home that night with flowers or dinner in my bag and surprised her. i wish i wish i wish. its silly now to think about.

i thought that after i my life got back on track and things started looking up i would stop missing her so much, but it really hasnt been the case. there are days when it feels less severe, but its still there.

i am reminded of an old al perry song. " the one who wants me i wish would go away, the one i want wont give me the time of day" i miss tucson in some ways, but am enjoying this adventure too. i wish the adventure i had planned on having with her had unfolded instead though. i am tired of meeting women who talk too much and whom i have very little in common with. i tried, i really did, but my heart just isnt in it right now and i guess its not fair to pretend to be excited about someone when my mind is elsewhere.

im rambling. its raining. i still miss someone. she would probably think i was retarded for feeling that way about her after all of this. she made her feelings about me clear by way of a legal document. and yet i cant hate her or have harsh feelings, just sadness and missing.