Humility

I decided to write here instead because I keep getting emails from friends and family about my preferred list.

I know that you might think Im a lunatic, and you arent entirely wrong. But you are here for one reason or another, and whatever that reason is is okay with me. Maybe you are just curious, or maybe you are worried about what I have to say. Whatever the reason, I dont care. Maybe you'll never read this either, which is okay, too. I am going to say what I have to say in this forum and you are free to read it or not. I should have done this all along instead of trying to get you to listen to me. If I had allowed you to come to this kind of thing on your own time, we would probably be in a much different, more civil place right now.

Through all of this shit that has gone down over the last couple weeks, I have been wondering why in the hell you went from being willing and able to at least communicate with me to not even wanting to have any contact. Then, today, I went through all the emails and gchats between us. Let me say that I am disgusted with myself and am not wondering any more.

I wont reprint the gchat from the third of January here, but let me recap briefly. I was immediately defensive with you and angry despite you telling me that you were sorry that it had come to this and that you hoped that we could be civil to one another some day. I responded with telling you to fuck off. What the hell I was thinking, I dont know. Honestly, I think the new medication I was on ( which I have since quit) messed with my brain chemistry in a negative way. I dont know why I got so defensive and angry when all you were trying to do was walk away in a dignified and civil manner. Im sorry for that, truly. I should have done the same, but because I felt, undeservedly so, that I had been fucked over, I got pissed and acted like a child. I really am sorry. I wish I had been more gracious and understanding. You deserved to have someone in my situation with you to accept his fate with dignity and aplomb.

So, even when all I wanted to do was apologize, and you were not willing to hear it, I was making things worse. It makes sense to me now how you would not want to hear what I had to say because I have more than a few times vascillated between being kind ( ish) and accepting, and being defensive, brash and rude. Im very sorry.

I guess that's it for now.