Like a cowboy

Now that I am certain that no one is looking at this, I can write with complete and total candor and honesty. I thought she might at least drop in from time to time, but I guess I dont blame her.

I feel like shit today. Im pretty sure I have frost bite on my toes and finger tips. I didnt think it would snow last night, and sleeping on the ground is something you have to think about in advance. Tonight i will find some cardboard and sleep on it. I wish the next two weeks would either hurry up and happen or never. As soon as I get enough money saved up, things will start to look a little brighter. Im worried that when I see the boots tomorrow they will be able to tell that I am homeless and they will tell everyone back in Tucson and rumours will abound. If it werent for showers at the theater, Id be screwed. Its tough to get a new job when you smell like underpass and dirty clothes. Also, thank god for public libraries and internet cafes. Warmth. Connection to the real world.

My spirits are actually pretty good all things considered. I know that I put myself in this shit mess, but I also know that when I get on the other side of it, Ill be a stronger, better person prepared never to let anything like this happen again. I just kind of wish that I had this kind of resolve before we broke up. I miss her more than I thought I would. It will wane someday I'm sure. I just never thought that I'd lose the woman of my dreams in such a horrendous way, but, again, I blame only myself. I let my ego and self centered thoughts get in the way, and I let my anxieties control my decision making. Can you believe that I thought that being distant and removed and a little hard would make her want me more? I never learned the meaning of balance until this.
Im posting a new video to remind me of her from time to time. When i hear this song, it reminds me of the time I walked down to Asylum to see her, and she danced to this song. I try not to dwell to long on those moments, only let them roost long enough to be a good memory, never long enough to make me sad.

I hope she is well and safe and happy.

As for me? Ill sleep under the stars again like a cowboy.